Nathan York

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life it's better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

Shy had the song on repeat. It was the perfect soundtrack for the depression he couldn't seem to shake. Since he'd come back to Boston with Tom, he hadn't done much besides stay in his room and cry, just needing to get rid of the sense of hurt and betrayal that was so stubbornly gripping his heart. Dev had dragged him out to the living room a few times, but he'd always returned to his room with a soft apology and request that he be given a little more time.

He hated being this pathetic, but he felt helpless to do anything but mourn the passing of a huge part of his life. He'd lost everything. In a few minutes - probably meaningless minutes for Orlando - Shy had seen his world collapse completely. It would be easier if he could consistently hate the man who'd broken him, but he couldn't. He missed him, and he couldn't really see a future without him. Not yet, anyway. He hadn't even had the energy to call his mother yet. She'd be so disappointed. No, more than that. She'd be angry and then she'd be hurt, and then she'd want to fly out and make sure her baby was okay. Shy couldn't deal with that right now, so he would put off telling her until he could make it through a day without falling apart.

The song started again. With a shaky sigh, Shy buried his face in his pillow and let the tears come.

Shy turns onto his side and watches TJ sleeping, the man's breathing slow and steady. It's comforting to have someone warm next to him, someone who cares about him and is willing to help. He reaches over and pushes aside some hair that's fallen over TJ's face. Shy can't help seeing Orlando when he looks at him, and that makes him feel awful, not because he misses his husband but because that's the reason he slept with TJ. With the curtains drawn to make the light dim in the bedroom, he could pretend for a little while that Orlando still loved him and wanted him. Now, he just feels like a user and no better than dirt. TJ deserves so much better than that. The fact that his friend would understand and be the first to tell him it's not a big deal makes it even worse. How come he couldn't have met a nice guy like this before he ever met Orlando? Hell, if he's going to go there, why couldn't he have met Tom before he met Orlando? If he had, they'd be together and Tom wouldn't be married to someone else. If... Shy's really starting to hate that damn word.

Sighing, he moves closer and kisses TJ's cheek. The man had given him exactly what he needed and now Shy has to make a decision. Either he can stay here with him and take advantage of his kindness, or he can move on completely and leave everything and everyone behind him. There's only one other person he knows he can trust right now to help him do that.

He carefully gets out of the bed and digs his cell phone out of his jeans pocket. Going into the living room so as not to disturb TJ, he dials Tom's number. He could really use some advice.

Love you.

im not sure what the year will bring but i do know im not expecting much. easier than wanting anything big only to be disappointed later. things have been good. ive been surprised by how nice will has been. he says he loves me and i could believe it if i wanted to. im so tired but i cant sleep so i thought writing stuff down would help me get bored and want to go back to bed. so far its not working and i cant stop thinking about stuff that really makes me mad. if it wasnt for orlando i would be scared all the time. every single second. i try to be ok during the day and i think im doing a good job but at night i cant act like everythings ok. some nights i can sleep ok but most of them i close my eyes and see kevin and dream that instead of getting to come home i have to stay with him and then he stabs me like he did lani and jake. i wake up and hold onto orli and now wills with us too so i hold onto him and he doesnt mind that it cant be more than that. its ok to trust him not to hurt me but i can only be with orli because i trust him in every way there is. kevin was wills and orlis mine and i cant stop thinking that way. i hate it. i want things to go back to normal the way it was before kevin. i know hes dead but what if hes not and he comes back. its stupid. hes dead. orli told me. will told me. everyone who was here that day has told me but im still scared hes coming back. when is it going to stop. im sick of feeling scared when theres no reason to feel that way. i never want to leave the island again. never.

Shy shifts on the exam table, feeling jittery from having to wait for the doctor. He had insisted that Orlando come in with him, not wanting to be alone with the man, though no real insisting had been needed. Looking at his husband, he knows that Orli would never make him go through anything he didn't want to alone. Will had agreed to stay in the waiting room and a part of Shy is grateful that he came with them.

"How come I have to wear this stupid thing?" he asks, plucking at the gown the nurse had him change into. "He's not even in here yet." He's nervous and just wants to talk about something.

ooc: For Tom to find him :)

Shy was sitting on his favourite boulder on his favourite part of the island. Or, it used to be his favourite. So little about the island itself felt good to him, anymore. He hoped that would pass with time, but for the time being, he was finding it difficult to see the beauty he'd once loved. Looking out over the water from his vantage point only served to remind him of his weeks spent locked up on Kevin's boat. Had it really only been weeks? If anyone had asked, he would have sworn he'd been there for an eternity. A lifetime locked away from the people he loved, certain that he would never see his home again. Finding out that a mere month had passed filled him with an odd sort of shame that he was still feeling so frightened and out of sorts. Even his mother had commented that he didn't sound like himself when he called her. She hadn't meant it unkindly. It had been part of the overall concern she showered him with once she knew he was home and safe. It had taken some pleading on his part to stop her from getting on a plane and flying out. He didn't want her to see him like this. The shame he had inside him went beyond his perceived weakness in being able to deal with his abduction. He was also ashamed about what he'd allowed Kevin to do to him.

Hanging his head, he closed his eyes and tried in vain to shut out the self-doubt and pain.

September 18

"Are you excited?"

Shy nodded at the question. How could he not be? But he didn't want to appear to be too excited for fear that Kevin would get offended and change his mind.

"I am, too," Kevin admitted with a grin. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about Will since we broke up. I used to be so angry with him but I just want to be with him, now. I think it's time I got the chance to make things up to him."

"I'm glad you'll get to do that," Shy said, resting his head on Kevin's shoulder. Kevin had insisted they be together one more time before he took Shy back home, and Shy found it easier if he didn't protest.

"Are you really going to miss me?" Kevin asked, gently playing with Shy's hair.

"Uh huh." It was the truth. In some sick way Shy was going to miss him. He was going to have to get used to not depending on Kevin for everything, and he knew he'd be thinking about the man long after he was gone from his life. As horribly terrified as Kevin had made him feel, he'd also made him feel cared for and ridiculously relieved to see him on the days Kevin would be gone for hours at a time.

"Good. I'm going to miss you, too." Kevin kissed the top of Shy's head, then gave him a soft pat on his backside. "We'd better get dressed."

Shy nodded and got up. When he headed for the bathroom, Kevin stopped him.

"Where are you going?"

"To take a shower."

"Don't." Kevin stood up and put his hands on Shy's shoulders, turning him around to face him. "Please."

Shy looked up at him, his brown eyes wide with confusion. "Why not?"

"I want Orlando to know I was with you before I gave you back to him."

Shy's eyes darkened and he shook his head. "Kevin, why do--"

Kevin gripped Shy's throat, cutting him off. "He needs to know how it feels to have someone he loves taken away from him. He needs to know you were mine the entire time I had you here. Don't ruin this for me, sweetheart," he whispered, kissing him before letting him go. "Get dressed. Wait down here and I'll come get you when it's time."

Lowering his head, Shy whispered, "Okay."

"And if you cross me," Kevin added, brushing his lips over Shy's ear, "I'll kill Orlando and keep you with me and Will."

"I won't cross you," Shy said, stilling looking down at the floor. He knew he was going to break the moment he saw Orlando again, but if he angered Kevin, he'd never get to see his husband again. Even worse, he knew that Kevin would carry out the threat he'd just made. The thought of being responsible for any harm coming to Orlando was enough to make him fall into line.

"All right." Kevin kissed his forehead. "I'm gonna go get cleaned up for Will. I don't want you all over me when we're reunited," he chuckled. "But after that, we're good to go."

Shy wasn't going to say anything about how unfair Kevin was being. It would be stupid to point that out after everything he'd been through with the man, but this last slight and chance to make him feel like shit really got to him. For the first time since he and Kevin had come face to face, Shy didn't completely fear him. He just hated him.

ooc: A continuation of Shy's kidnapping plot. Written for theatrical_muse.

"Do you really want to go home?"

"Not if they don't want me."

Kevin smiled at Shy's answer and handed him a potato chip. He'd been taking advantage of Shy's obvious mental break, finding it easier than he ever thought to turn the young man against his family.

"Do you want to stay with me?"

Shy slowly chewed as he looked at Kevin, his eyes void of any emotion. "Only if you want me."

"I do," Kevin said softly, reaching to rub a hand over Shy's head, the short hair as soft as velvet under his fingers. "I want you very much. I want to take care of you. Can't you tell?"

Shrugging, Shy picked up his sandwich and took a bite. The usual tray of food Kevin had brought him had been accompanied by a bottle of wine and some fresh fruit and pastries. As Shy chewed his ham and cheese, he couldn't stop looking at a couple of eclairs.

"Would you like to skip to dessert?" Kevin asked with a chuckle when he noticed.

"Can I?"

Kevin nodded and smiled when Shy put down the sandwich and reached for his treat. "I'll open the wine."

For the first time, Shy noticed the corkscrew that was on the tray. He could have grabbed it and jammed it into the side of Kevin's neck. He could have taken the bottle and broken it over Kevin's head. Kevin was either slipping up or demonstrating his trust in him. Shy wasn't sure what to make of that. Even worse, he wasn't sure what to make of the fact that he didn't necessarily want to escape.

"Here you go." Kevin handed Shy a plastic cup with some wine in it. "Sorry we don't have real glasses. I can get some the next time I'm on the shore."

"This is fine," Shy said, greedily chugging the beverage and handing the empty cup back to Kevin with a hopeful smile. "It's good."

Kevin refilled the cup and gave it back to Shy. "I'm glad you like it."

"This is good, too," Shy said, holding up the eclair before taking a big bite. Cream squirted out the end of it and landed with a plop on the bed.

"God damn it, Shy," Kevin snapped, grabbing the pastry out of his hand and hurling it at the wall where it landed with a splat. "Don't be such a pig."

"I'm sorry," Shy said softly, lowering his eyes.

"It's okay," Kevin said, taking back the cup. "I'll let you clean it up and then you can have another one."

Shy nodded and picked up the paper napkin that was on the tray. Working carefully, he cleaned up bed, then went into the bathroom to get a cloth so he could start on the mess Kevin had made on the wall.

"Don't forget the floor," Kevin said, watching him with amusement. It had been so easy to keep him in line, it would be a shame to have to give him back any time soon.

When Shy had completed his task, he looked to Kevin for approval. Kevin nodded and held the cup of wine out to him.

"Good boy," Kevin said when Shy took the cup. "You know, you did such a good job, I think I'll let you go above deck tomorrow."

Shy's eyes lit and he hugged Kevin, careful not to let any of his wine spill. "Thank you," he said softly. "Thank you." If he could see the sun, he would feel better. He knew it.

Kevin had been surprised by the hug, the genuine display of affection catching him off guard. "You're welcome," he said, awkwardly patting Shy's back, then pushing him away. "I have to go."

"What? Why?" Shy had started looking forward to Kevin keeping him company while he ate.

"I have things to do. Finish eating. I'll be back later." Kevin didn't bother to wait for a reply before he turned and walked out the door.