im not sure what the year will bring but i do know im not expecting much. easier than wanting anything big only to be disappointed later. things have been good. ive been surprised by how nice will has been. he says he loves me and i could believe it if i wanted to. im so tired but i cant sleep so i thought writing stuff down would help me get bored and want to go back to bed. so far its not working and i cant stop thinking about stuff that really makes me mad. if it wasnt for orlando i would be scared all the time. every single second. i try to be ok during the day and i think im doing a good job but at night i cant act like everythings ok. some nights i can sleep ok but most of them i close my eyes and see kevin and dream that instead of getting to come home i have to stay with him and then he stabs me like he did lani and jake. i wake up and hold onto orli and now wills with us too so i hold onto him and he doesnt mind that it cant be more than that. its ok to trust him not to hurt me but i can only be with orli because i trust him in every way there is. kevin was wills and orlis mine and i cant stop thinking that way. i hate it. i want things to go back to normal the way it was before kevin. i know hes dead but what if hes not and he comes back. its stupid. hes dead. orli told me. will told me. everyone who was here that day has told me but im still scared hes coming back. when is it going to stop. im sick of feeling scared when theres no reason to feel that way. i never want to leave the island again. never.
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