13 things

Written for the_lucky13

13 moments of anger

1. Confronting Hammer and killing him. It was an accident. But I've never been so angry. Never again.
2. Seeing Andrea getting fucked by some guy in the bathroom.
3. Any moment during my recovery after Hammer threw acid in my face.
4. Telling Kimo it was his fault Andrea's family found out I'd slept with her. None of this would have happened if he'd woken me up when he was supposed to.
5. Hating Andrea for not fighting harder to be with me.
6. Hating myself for expecting too much from her.
7. Yelling at my mum whenever she'd try to comfort me.
8. Getting beaten up at the party.
9. Being forced to leave my home.
10. Getting screwed over by the guy that was supposed to get me to Florida.
11. Resenting the fact I have to share.
12. Hating other kids who had a dad growing up.
13. Hitting a kid when I was little. He teased me because I had stopped talking.

b&w

Written for theatrical_muse

This isn't going to be easy to talk about because I don't like sharing things that can show a weakness. And I really don't like sharing things that people can look at and make fun of or roll their eyes at. The reason I'm doing it though is to prove that I'm where I want to be.

Sometimes I used to feel like an old black and white movie that no one wants to watch when they first set eyes on it. But once they sit down and get into it they're surprised by how much they're enjoying themselves. OK that came across sounding a bit more odd than I meant it to. What I mean is I'm not flashy or full of awesome special effects. I'm simple and don't have a whole lot of bells and whistles going for me. What I do have going for me is enough once someone gives me a chance though. The hard part is getting someone to look past what they want to assume about me.

I think the proof that this has finally happened is the fact that I've got the most special person in my life now. I had two but have decided that letting one go is the best thing for him. He's got to move on with his life and be with someone who can give him their whole heart. The reason I haven't chosen him is what I really want to explain now.

I was broken when Orli met me. I was determined never to let another woman into my life after Andrea broke my heart and I assumed that meant I wouldn't ever be in love again. I don't hate women. But I don't trust them either. I won't try to explain what happened that allowed me to let a man into my heart. If you've ever had it happen to you then I don't have to explain. If you haven't nothing I can say will ever convince you that it was very real and very special. He made me see a different side of myself. He made me feel love again because he looked past the outside and didn't make me feel as if I wasn't worthy. To be really honest I was more receptive to him because we look so much alike but it was spending time with him that made me see who he really is. If not for him I never would have been able to feel something for Tom. I love Tom dearly. He proved to me that I'm more than the simple man I appear to be. But Orli's the one who opened my heart enough for me to let Tom in. So that's why I chose him.

It's not ideal. I want to be the only one in his life but am understanding why I won't ever be. I trust that he won't hurt me and as I slowly let Tom go I'm finding myself seeing "the other man" (Orli's husband) as someone I could be with.

I don't know if I've said enough. But I've said all I want to.