living for it

[shyguy]

Written for theatrical_muse

I don't want to sound like some wanker looking for sympathy, but there isn't really anything I'm living for right now. If you're a friend of mine and you see this, please don't take any offence at what I'm saying. What I mean is I can't bring myself to love or want something or someone enough to make it what I live for, you know? I tried doing that before. I was madly in love with the most magnificent girl I'd ever met. I wanted to marry her. I was ready to make her my entire life. And, to put it mildly, it didn't work out.

I've never told anyone this but there were many times I thought about ending my life. There comes a time when you think you can't keep hurting and the only way to stop it is to not exist anymore. But then I'd think about my mum and what it would do to her if I was gone.

All right, that's something I haven't considered before. I suppose I'm living for my mother. I'm all she has. I might not be home with her but at least there's always the chance I could see her again.

Yeah, that's not so bad now that I think about it. For now, I'm living for my mum.